Elizabeth Taylor comparison-product of a lot of reading

Hello Followers!:)

Sorry I havent been recording my adventures in Chicago.
So I was talking to my friend Megan today who I went to high school with and she has decided to write a book. I think this is a great idea for her because she is a brilliant writer. It is actually something I have always wanted to do as well, so all this talk about it inspired me to write tonight. Initially when I started writing it was very light subject matter but then I realized I had some deep thoughts that were just pouring onto the page. The following text may or may not be very interesting to you but what the heck, ill just throw it out there.

I am reading the life story of Elizabeth Taylor and it is fascinating. She has such a fabulous but tragic life. She was definitely a person of extremes. This reminds me of myself in a sense. Not the rich part, but the range of emotions that she experienced. Her self image and happiness was dependent on how people she loved viewed her. This is where I can relate.

One of the things Elizabeth was known for was getting her way. She acknowledges the fact that she has lived an extravagent lifestyle, but she also has the mentality that if you want something bad enough you can have it. I did not grow up living an extravagent lifestyle by any means but I do agree that you can have what you want if you work hard enough for it. Of course luck and karma are also involved, but basically if you set your mind to something it can happen. Hence, the fact that I was unhappy with my life/career path in Memphis, and managed to move away by coming to Chicago several weeks ago. I came here to pursue my dream of working for a magazine or public relations firm. Things are not happening as fast as I would like, but I think God is trying to teach me that things will happen in his time, not mine. So my fast paced lifestyle has come to a screeching halt as I havent worked in almost a month. I have taken this time to read/reflect/search for direction in my life.

During the day, I think about work and what I am going to do next, but at night I usually read and it makes me think about other parts of my life.

A recurring theme in Elizabeth's life is " Will I ever find love again?" This is something I think all women ask, well atleast I do. The answer "I think so, but I dont know so" is a scary thought. The process can be so painful that I question "is it worth wasting my life dealing with stupid men drama when I can be contributing to the betterment of my own life or someone else's?" But other times, more often than not, the answer is yes, damn it, i want a fairytale:)

Elizabeth claims she has had 2 TRUE loves in her life, but her rollercoaster pursuit of this love resulted in many marriages and several children. Even though she seemed to have everything at her disposal and she was widely agreed to be the most beautiful woman of her time, she was very vulnerable to depression and physical sickness (speculated to be caused by her emotional distress.)

The interesting thing about Elizabeth is that she never looked back in time. This could be a good and bad thing. It was good in the sense that she was always ready to try new things and take on new roles (in movies and her life.) However, she never took the time to reflect on past choices or mistakes so ultimately she kept repeating them.

How the heck do I relate to Elizabeth Taylor you are wondering? Well this month I have had a lot of time to think. The quiet is really weird for me because I am not used to having time for myself. In the past decade, I have barely had time to just eat and sleep, but now that I have physically moved into a new place and distanced myself from all distractions, including work. ....I have plenty of time to analyze my past and hopes for the future. This quiet time has mostly been peaceful, but some moments have been lonely and disturbing.

All this deep reflection has made me wonder...have I ever truly loved?!?!

I have been romanced, infatuated, and had some deep friendships, but never all in one. All aspects have come from different men. I have my best "guy friends" that I continue to rely on for emotional stability and support and I have had those that do quite the opposite.

TRUE love. I doubt it. Upon reflection, I havent honestly given my heart to anyone because somewhere in my subconcious, I knew I had not met the right person. I tried to convince myself during 2 serious relationships that yes, someday I could see a future with this person. Each of these "loves" and I got along well and everyone liked us together (or so i thought in my naive mind.) But each time, somewhere deep down, i knew it wasnt right and I knew that I had bigger plans in store for me. Ironically, these two people also knew that. In both cases, I am certain they knew it before I did. But due to my emotional immaturity at the time, I didnt realize that was the case. Each ending was hard and I interpreted the rejection as something must be wrong with me. My insecurities rose to a new level each time, and led me to continue comparing myself to the new love interests of each ex. Obviously, I was not skinny enough, pretty enough, or any fun if I had let them fall out of love with me is what my extreme emotional mind told me. In both cases I had been friends with the girls that they left me for (or so I believed), so this also contributed to my complexes. I came to believe that women can be just as hurtful (if not more) toward other women as men can. This has caused a lot of distrust and issues with people I have since then attempted to date.

Because I had these inferiority complexes, I wanted to "fix" myself. After my first heartbreak, I lost a lot of weight and immersed myself in work and school activities while enrolled full time in college. Instead of getting much needed sleep at night, I proceeded to party to the point of exhaustion. I just couldnt bear the thought of being left out. I tried to take "being fun" to a new level and found myself in situations it would be an understatement to describe as "unhealthy."

Then I met the second "love." This person was good to me and helped me regain a sense of self esteem but I was still so swamped with work and school and unconciously wasnt healed from the first heartbreak so things just didnt work out. In reality, it wasnt one person's fault, but it still hurt.

There was never any doubt that I cared a great deal about my relationships, there was always just doubt that they would last forever (hello...i was WAY young). My self fulfilling prophecy came true each time. One thing I have learned in my 24, almost 25 years is that just because something doesnt work out doesnt mean that either person is a bad person. After my first heartbreak, the rejection hit so deep that I never fully recovered before dating again. It made me feel better to think of this person as "cruel" or "bad" to rationalize the situation. Why would I want to be with a "bad" person anyway? was a mantra that temporarily helped me to heal. At that time, I thought I was a "better" person or a "good" person because I had been faithful . Now I realize that Love is a funny thing. Our feelings do not necessarily match our logic. I no longer want to think of myself as a victim of these two heartbreaks and in all fairness, must say they were fun while they lasted. I have no regrets and still highly regard my last love as a good person. I hope the best for anyone I have ever been involved with as they have all shaped me into a stronger person. Unlike Elizabeth Taylor, I want to prevent repeating the same mistakes, and develop a stronger sense of self so I will be able to make better decisions in the future, ones that are not based on pure feeling or how I think I will be viewed socially.

In the meantime, I will continue reading my self help books and strive to be the best person I can. Maybe when I have completed this self journey, God will bless me with someone that I can share my life with, but until then, I will enjoy the company of my WONDERFUL friends and family and not worry about it too much.

Now I just need a job...because I'm pretty sure everyone, including JMO and Elizabeth Taylor, would agree "that is what is best for me!!" :)